I write my Congresswoman about Syria

I just emailed this to my Congresswoman, Ann Wagner, 2nd district Missouri. I’m going to make sure I’m on the NSA’s naughty malcontent list.

Dear Ann,

Your summer vacation from Congress is coming to an end. Soon you will be back in Washington dealing with little problems like: runaway deficit financing, relentless FED driven currency debasement, rampant illegal immigration, and finally, what to do about Syria.

You’re probably surprised that the Obama administration punted on Syria and threw you this hand grenade. By now you’ve noticed that the Light-Bringer’s administration only goes to Congress to steal or print more money, (debit limit), ram through hideous partisan, “have to pass it to find out what’s in it,” bills, (Obamacare), or get begrudging constitutionally mandated approval for political appointee hacks. Of course Obama despises Congress. It’s the most American thing about him.

Ann, you’re from Missouri, so you probably know that Missouri’s most famous native son, Mark Twain, maintained a complete and robust contempt for your institution.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

Mark Twain

No one has characterized the simpering idiocy of Congress better. Mark did not suffer fools well and he certainly wasn’t naive or stupid enough to believe his congressman, or congresswoman, actually represented him.

Ann, I’m afraid I share Mark’s bleak view, but just for the sake of argument, let’s assume you do represent me. I did vote for you. And, as I recall, I didn’t have to hold my nose or look down ballot for my default, “anyone but that shithead,” option. I actually felt you were the best person for the job. That you’ve kept out of the news, no sex scandals, no outrageous pork projects, no hysterical CSPAN fits, no public bitch slapping, and no DUIs1 makes me think you’re actually a decent human being even though you associate with known felons.

Well as one decent human being to another I am asking you to vote no on any motion that authorizes the use of force in Syria.

I’d bet that I know far more about the Middle East than you or the vast majority of your peers in Congress. I lived in Iran and Lebanon. I was evacuated from Beirut during the 1967 Arab Israeli War. I’m married to an Iranian refugee. She had to flee her native country after protesting Khomeini’s thugs in the early 1980’s. The Middle East is not a TV reality show for me. When I hear of bombs falling in the Beqaa valley I think about how I camped down the road.

When I say there are no good options in Syria I am not running off teleprompter. On one side you have Assad’s Ba’athist criminals: essentially modern Nazis. That delusional dolts like your colleague, Nancy Pelosi, thought Assad was a reformer is partly why we think you’re all morons. Opposing Assad is a rag-tag coalition of rebels, Islamists and crazy cannibal Jihadists. This is a war that both sides deserve to lose. Firing a few cruise missiles into this mess is not going to alter the outcome or elevate the world’s low opinion of Americans. All it will do is add more legions of US hating Middle Easterners to what’s already a vast throng.

Ann, how would you feel if some inept clueless foreign power lobbed a few drone missiles into Saint Louis neighborhoods because they objected to local law enforcement? I’m pretty sure you’d be livid: boiling with incandescent rage. Imagine how your mood will improve when you learn the attack was calibrated to avoid mockery. Would you feel a new-found respect for the bombers? I’m guessing your new life’s work would be striking back. This is what our remote control war is doing. It’s creating far more enemies than it kills.

Ann, do you really want to be a part of this? What we are doing is catastrophically stupid and has to stop. Vote no on Syria.

Respectfully, I’m not kidding, yours

John Baker Saint Louis County

  1. We set a very low bar for Congress.

A Memo to the next Murdering Dorner

No doubt you’ve been following the breathless media swooning about Christopher Dorner and his Djangoistic, fight the power, murder spree and you’re wondering if you should take up arms against a sea of troubles and go off some bystanders. Before loading up your assault weapons, making suspiciously large purchases of plant food and diesel oil, or enrolling in flight, but not landing classes, I’d like to take a few moments of your busy pre-murder spree day and try to convince you to up your game. Let’s face it, walking into a kindergarten and shooting up a classroom of tiny nobodies, while undoubtedly good target practice, means nothing in the great sweep of history. Nobody, except the nobodies, cares about the death of nobodies. Sorry, I didn’t make the world; I just live here pointing out the absurdities. To seize the long-lasting historical notoriety, you so insanely crave, you have to eliminate people who matter. It sounds simple, but here’s the nasty truth: removing people who matter is hard and dangerous work. It requires talent, dedication, planning and foresight: qualities that pathetic psychopaths, like you, often lack.

Still not convinced? Let’s run a little “thought experiment.” A major lament of would be terminators, and just about everyone else on this planet, is that it seems absolutely impossible to fix utterly fixable problems. It doesn’t really matter what the problem is. How about peace in the Middle East? We’re constantly told that this is a big hard problem. What utter hogwash, formal group theory poses big hard problems; mathematicians wouldn’t even snort “trivial” when faced with a pedestrian and irritating nuisance like Middle Eastern peace. All that’s required is a few simple peace treaties, a routine exchange of Jewish and Muslim embassies, a state for the Palestinians and boom, instant peace. How about Korean unification? Same old, same old, a formal peace treaty followed by some judicious mine clearing and wire clipping. If the Germans can do it – so can the Koreans. On a domestic note: how about balancing the goddamn US federal budget? This barely rises to the level of “problem.” Any idiot familiar with addition and subtraction is capable of wielding the awesome technology required to match spending with income. So my poor homicidal friend what exactly is the problem?

If you guessed “people” give yourself a big hug. While it’s true these so-called difficult problems are, when stripped of bullshit, embarrassingly trivial, it’s also true that solving any one them would inconvenience certain people. If you’re a fat little Korean boy-king happily banging hotties in your Commie dynasty palace the prospects of being just a fat little boy banging, well nobody, lacks appeal. If you’re a corrupt Saudi prince-thing used to blaming conniving Zionists for all your screw-ups the lack of conniving Zionists would present difficulties. Similarly, how can you be expected to run for Congress, or the Presidency, without making expensive grandiose promises with other people’s money? One man’s intractable problem is another man’s livelihood.

Getting back to our thought experiment: suppose there was a limited supply of magic brain bombs. A magic brain bomb can beam into the skull of anyone, at anytime, anywhere on the planet. Once beamed in the brain bomb swells, inducing a bout of excruciating pain, and then explodes, thus ending the miserable life of its target, and because it’s magic, nobody can hide or escape from it. You can hunker down in your bunker, hide in a submarine under the ice, melt into the crowd, or surround yourself with a division of secret service agents; it won’t matter! The magic brain bomb will beam in and end you. Obviously, magic brain bombs are potent weapons. If some murderous nut, that’s where you come in, could get ahold of a thousand magic brain bombs many of our difficult problems could be blown away.

Let’s start with Middle Eastern peace. From a masked IP address open a new Twitter account, don’t use your real name, and send a few tweets demanding that Abdullah, Ahmadinejad, Morsi, Netanyahu and so on meet to establish diplomatic relations and negotiate a real Middle Eastern peace treaty. Make it clear that you will blow up their heads at the stroke of noon (UTC) on a particular day if they fail to comply. Don’t expect anyone to pay attention. Twitter is awash in impotent death threats. You cannot even take a sip of water on national TV without attracting them. Bide your time until the noted hour and then detonate your brain bombs. After they scrape the charred brain tissue off the walls of government offices in Riyadh, Tehran, Cairo, Jerusalem and elsewhere you’ll see a new attitude in the Middle East. It will be ugly at first. Clearly this is the work of the Jews, or the CIA,  or Jews in the CIA, maybe those meddling Chinese Commies did it, perhaps black helicopters and UFOS were involved. Let the craziness subside then, from another place, and on another masked IP address, start a new Facebook account, again, don’t use your real name, and remind the new Middle Eastern rulers of their predecessors failure to meet and hammer out a peace treaty. Then, repeat your demand and warn your audience that you will blow up their heads at noon (UTC) on a particular day if they fail to comply. I’m guessing that by the time you’ve detonated less than a hundred brain bombs you’ll find an astonishing, hitherto unknown, willingness to compromise and live in the peace in the Middle East. It might take even fewer brain bombs to fix Korea and balance the goddamn US budget. Deleting the right people, in the right way, at the right time can work wonders.

Brain bombs in wise hands could turn shit hole Earth into something of an Eden. Unfortunately, this is just a thought experiment, even the CIA, or the Jews, or the Jewish aliens in the UFOS, don’t have magic freaking brain bombs! For the skeptically impaired: anything with magic in it is either a fraud or imaginary. Regardless of the existential status of magic brain bombs I think my point is clear. Killing nobodies is a waste of ammunition! To precipitate change we can believe in you need to go big! How big is entirely up to you. Here’s one last cautionary note. Going after hard targets is not like waltzing into gun free zones and opening fire. The people most in need of brain bombs are surrounded by others that shoot back. You’re probably going to die taking down a king, but you were going to die taking down a Burger King, so you might as well up your game and make a difference. Do it for the children! The only question is; are you psycho enough for the job?