My Three-Body Problem

I have a three-body problem. Today, while wandering in our local Barnes & Noble, I spotted, for the n^th time, a boxed set edition of Cixin Liu’s Three-Body Problem (TBP). Once again, I resisted the urge to snatch the books off the shelf, pony up whatever B&N was asking, and ferry TBP home for a proper reading. Yes, I haven’t read this widely lauded epic! If I hadn’t sat through two TBP TV series, I would have succumbed to temptation, but my Three-Body problem reared its ugly head and circumvented my purchase. My Three-Body problem is simple. I watched the movie before reading the book. Books never ruin movies, but movies do ruin books. Sadly, I suspect the Three-Body Problem has been irreparably wrecked by the dismal TV series I foolishly watched. Don’t let this happen to you! Never see the movie before reading the book.

Let’s consider some cases.

1984: There have been several attempts to make a 1984 movie; they are all horrible. The book is a goddamn masterpiece that has only grown more relevant with time. I’m grateful I read 1984 a few times before subjecting myself to its pathetic film versions.

Brave New World (BNW): I liked BNW more than 1984 in my dissolute youth. But I think it’s safe to say that 1984 is the superior work. 1984 is a timeless condemnation of leviathan totalitarian states. It will never lose its punch. Brave New World, on the other hand, seems dated and silly. As an adolescent, I enjoyed the sex in the novel and was intrigued by the scientifically engineered hierarchical society. I pictured myself as an alpha banging a long line of beta broads. BNW is still worth dipping into, especially if you’re a horny teenager, but I would strongly advise avoiding the recent BNW TV series. It reduces an already adolescent book to drivel.

Frankenstein: Don’t get me started. Frankenstein is perhaps the most thoroughly debased masterpiece in the English language. Every film and TV version of Frankenstein utterly misses the depths of the novel. In my ideal world, the directors, producers, actors, and other hollyweirdos that have sodomized Frankenstein would be tried for crimes against literature and summarily canceled. Stop watching Franken-stools and read the fucking book.

Ulysses: Why anyone would even attempt a film adaptation of this book is beyond me. Ulysses is a work of pure literature. You must read it – more than once – to even begin to appreciate its stunning wordplay. I suspect Joyce purposefully created a work that cannot be truncated, translated, or ever turned into a movie. When he was writing Ulysses, movies were already butt-fucking books. I’m sure Joyce noticed such depravities and strived to immunize Ulysses from “visual” treatments. Nevertheless, some idiots couldn’t resist making Ulysses the movie—abstain from such abominations.

The Bible: Yeah, let’s go there. How many movies, TV shows, and series have been ripped from The Bible? How many are any good? Even entertaining epics like Heston’s “Moses Moses” suck like Satan sodomizing Solomon. Considering the deluge of wretched Biblical visual adaptations, maybe the Muslim threat to go full jihad on your infidel ass if you dare “visualize” Mohammed isn’t such a bad idea.

As you can see, I’m not a fan of turning books into movies. In most cases, the movie is a low-rent facsimile of the book, but there are decent adaptations.

Dune: The recent Dune films are decent. They’re a serious attempt to depict a vision of the novel. I enjoyed both, but I’m glad I read the book first. The book conveys a sense of time that is missing in the movies. The films also change things, perhaps unavoidably, so again, read the book first.

The Lord of the Rings (LOTR): LOTR has the finest visual adaptation of any epic. I am excluding the Hobbit horrors that followed and confining myself to the standard, well-edited theater release, not the bloated extended version. Jackson and his crew did a fine job creating three immensely entertaining films. I loved all three and agree that LOTR is the “best trilly” ever. But the books are still better. Trust me, it’s not even close.

Finally, believe it or not, there are extremely rare films that are better than the book. Many consider the classic Judy Garland Wizard of Oz to be better than Baum’s book, but even here, respected critics like Martin Gardner disagree. It’s just better to always read the book first.

All of which brings me back to my Three-Body Problem. I’ve polluted my mind with two TV series. I watched a competent Chinese production and Netflix’s hack job. The Chinese version is loaded with predictable CCP ass-kissing but still manages to outclass Netflix’s woke wet work. The Netflix version changed the sex, race, and nationalities of major characters without any artistic justification! Jackson had to leave a lot out when making LOTR, but he didn’t rape central characters. The Netflix TBP tools are like the deranged climate jerk-offs that have been throwing paint on museum paintings. Given such contempt for source material, I must ask myself, “What the hell else is missing?” The TBP novels have been called cerebral. Cerebral means you must think— something that is utterly beyond Netflix nitwits. Now, I must read TBP to cauterize the wounds left by the TV series, and instead of a joyous exploration of a new universe, it will be a homework assignment: a tedious triage trilogy.