New Conan not as Philosophical as Old Conan

Bad news philosophers, our preeminent social critic, our font of wisdom, our modern Socrates has succumbed to the malignant Hollywood poisons of reality TV, celebrity whoring, financial ennui and hopeless incompetent governance. Given the forces arrayed against our philosopher king only Vegas bookies on crack would favor his chances. I knew all this when I sat down to view the latest Conan the Barbarian movie but I let hope trump reason — sound familiar. If I wasn’t a mainly-manly-man I would cry for no longer will we ponder religious dissertations like:

“Crom! I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. No one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad. Why we fought, or why we died. All that matters is that today, two stood against many. That’s what’s important! Valor pleases you, Crom; so grant me this one request. Grant me revenge! And if you do not listen, then to hell with you!

Or learn about what’s good in life:

My friends that golden Apollonic age is past! Now we must content ourselves with eat, pray, love travesties like:

“I live, I love, I slay, I am content.”

When did Conan the Barbarian decide to come out?