Don’t be a Weenie Launch Cassini

Future generations will remember Bill Clinton for two things, not having sex with that woman and authorizing the launch of Cassini. I was working in Dallas Texas in the months before Cassini’s launch. It was 1997 and the Internet was just beginning to disrupt everyday life. Google was morphing from a thesis to a company and abominations like Facebook, Twitter and smartphones were years away. It was a time of CD-ROM games, 56K dial-up modems, bulletin boards, hand crafted HTML websites, and Netscape Navigator.  Even in its primitive state the Internet already exhibited many of the things I value and detest about it today. Two events made this abundantly clear. The inane shenanigans that preceded Cassini’s launch and the death of Carl Sagan.

I had a few beefs with Sagan. Like all science popularizers he often dumbed things down to misleading levels and, like most western academics, he was naive about vicious authoritarian regimes. In Sagan’s mind, a handful of exemplary Soviet scientists went a long way toward excusing the Gulag and purges. I overlooked his good-natured naivety. It was, and still is, a common delusion. Many intelligent people fall victim to the belief that their superior accomplishments endow them with universal wisdom. This is pure classic hubris.

Sagan had flaws but he was also the real scientific deal. He predicted the surface temperature of Venus before it was measured and contributed both scientifically and politically to the success of some of the 20th century’s most spectacular space missions like the Martian Viking landers and the epic Voyagers. Even his popular stunts like the Pioneer plaque and the Voyager gold records were classy and compelling. For me, Sagan’s most enduring quality was his very public and relentless refusal to buy into irrational bullshit. He rhetorically dismembered idiots that saw faces on Mars and skies full of alien bearing UFOs. The Martian face turned out to an eroded mesa, just like Sagan said it was, and we are still waiting for genuine rigorously authenticated evidence of real UFOs. Sagan’s often said, “Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence!”  It’s a maxim I apply every single day and you should too.

The day Sagan died I connected to the Internet with my trusty 56K dial-up modem. I was looking for unofficial Sagan obituaries and boy did I find them. It turns out that UFO cultists did not appreciate Sagan’s precise and correct analysis of their unsubstantiated nonsense. Clearly, he was part of the vast centuries old global cover-up. Everyone knows that the Illuminati, the Masons, the Rothschilds, the Jews, and the Jewish aliens in the UFOs, are suppressing UFO evidence: presumably to facilitate draining our precious bodily fluids. I exaggerate but not by much! It was my first encounter with unhinged Internet trolls. My already low opinion of the people’s intelligence dipped lower. Of course, trolls come in all flavors. There are good trolls, the ones I agree with, and evil trolls, the ones I disagree with. Overall, a free Internet with hate mongering vicious trolls is vastly better than a censored Internet that’s been reduced to a giant empty echoing, ruling-class-approved, safe space. “Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me.”

No matter what you think of the boorish behavior of UFO cultists celebrating Sagan’s death it’s clear to all, including the UFO cultists themselves that they are, in Douglass Adam’s exquisite words, “mostly harmless.”  No one gives a crap what ufologists (yeah it’s a word) think and nobody will pay attention to their ravings until they meet well-defined standards of proof. Sorry guys it’s a skeptic’s world and we won’t be lowering standards of scientific validation for you.

Unfortunately, anti-nuclear don’t launch Cassini, nitwits almost aborted what turned out to be an undisputed marvel of our age. I remember these 1997 loons and until they crawl out from their troglodyte caves, prostrate themselves before the great and powerful Internet, and publicly admit that they were completely wrong about Cassini, that launching the probe was the right thing to do, and that some tiny risks are very much worth taking, I will forever curse, mock, belittle, and remind others of their appalling judgment and sniveling cowardice.

The Cassini launch hysterics began when a pack of dolts noticed the word “Plutonium” in Cassini’s press material. Plutonium, oh my god! What are those privileged white devils in JPL up to? The JPL white devils tried to explain how RTG generators work and that a safe reliable compact long-lasting power source was required for operations at Saturn where sunlight is around 0.011 Earth’s intensity but math is hard. Way too hard for ideologues triggered by visions of Plutonium saturated Challenger like explosions spreading deadly radiation over a wide area. It was all over hyped rubbish. As of 2017, it’s not clear that RTGs have killed a single person in over fifty years of use let alone the tens of thousands the Cassini Cassandras were picturing. The white devils lost patience and did a little back of the envelope calculation that assumed a major Cassini crash that uniformly spread the probe’s “deadly Plutonium” over the entire Earth. Given this absurd worst case scenario, how many excessive cancer deaths could we expect?  The calculation estimated about 5,000 spread over a lifetime: not enough to worry about! Michio Kaku called bullshit on this absurd scenario and quickly concocted his own absurd scenario that had Cassini crashing into a dense urban area with laser guided bomb casualty maximizing effectiveness. This bumped the dark wet dream body count to 200,000. Both calculations were ridiculous. This entire episode is neatly summarized in this Mother Jones (can you believe it) article.

The launch of Cassini and its Earth flyby imposed miniscule risks. Even if things went horribly, but realistically wrong, it’s unlikely the probe would have killed more than a thousand people. Whenever I hear projected death tolls I convert the statistic into one I care about. What are my chances of dying? The Earth’s population was roughly six billion in 1997. The chances of Cassini killing me was at most one in million and probably much less. What type of whiny cowardly snowflake would give up the glories of Cassini for one in million odds of something bad happening? I would have accepted much worse odds.

I wasn’t the only one willing to take an infinitesimal risk to advance human knowledge. Just before Cassini’s launch the anti-Cassini mob planned a march in Washington to screech, wave banners, and go full incontinent leftist ape. In their bush baby brains Cassini had to be stopped. Before 1997 protesters rarely faced counter protesters but Cassini touched a deep nerdy nerve and a small band of pro-Cassini protesters showed up shouting “Don’t be a weenie, launch Cassini,” and like the Greeks at Marathon, they drove the stunted grunting anti-Cassini beasts from the rhetorical field.  I like to imagine the “don’t be a weenie, launch Cassini” ruckus stirred Bill to take a break from dipping cigars in intern vaginas and get on the phone to authorize Cassini’s launch.

Today the pro-Cassini protesters would be erroneously described as “alt-right.” Actually, they were simply and absolutely right as hundreds of thousands of stunning Cassini images, thousands of scientific papers, and dozens of unexpected discoveries about Saturn and its Moons attest. Cassini exceeded everybody’s expectations. The Voyagers were the greatest space probes of the 20th century and Cassini is the greatest of the 21st so far.  If we’re lucky we’ll see Cassini surpassed and that is something to look forward to.

3 thoughts on “Don’t be a Weenie Launch Cassini

  1. Good post, as usual John, and as usual, although not evident for some time, your ignorance of the UFO phenomenon shines through.

    ‘Unsubstantiated nonsense’ indeed. Have you read my post at Please explain the Twining memo, the Travis Walton Case, the 2011 Jerusalem UFO, the 2014 Puerto Rico FLIR footage, Trinidade, Malmstrom airforce base, Rendlesham Forest. the Hessdalen Lights or in fact my own 2015 sighting.

    I admit, it is very difficult to gather rigorous repeatable evidence on ephemeral phenomena that refuse to submit to being placed in test tubes although Dr. Steven Greer is having pretty good success getting ‘them’ (whoever they may be) to respond to his attempts at contact. He has repeatedly demonstrated Close Encounters of the Fifth Kind – human initiated. UFOLOGY is an extremely broad field and yes, it throws up it’s share of crackpots, as well as dishonest charlatans with their own agendas to push, but it also includes a core of scientifically trained investigators (like me in my small way), Stanton Friedman (Nuclear Physicist), Bruce Maccabee (retired US Navy Optical Physicist), the late Dr. James MacDonald (U of Arizona Atmospheric Physicist), the late Dr. Alan Hynek and many others.

    Many of the best Ufologists are former skeptics (like Hynek) who were eventually overwhelmed by the sheer weight of the evidence that something unknown is going on in our skies. FYI UFO does not automatically mean ‘Alien Space Craft’. Pros prefer the term Anomalous Aerial Phenomenon or Unknown Aerial Phenomenon.

    As Dr. Colm Kelleher put “At its most basic level, science is supposed to represent the investigation of the unexplained, not the explanation of the uninvestigated. Yet few scientists are willing to risk the criticism of their peers (or the withdrawal of their research grants) if it means pursuing the subjects that are deemed by unofficial acclamation to be unworthy tabloid fodder, the rants of disturbed minds, or the folklore of drunken trailer park lowlifes.”

    You embarrass yourself with that attitude John. Go read Dr. Kelleher’s book on the investigations at the Skinwalker Ranch in UTAH

    And you should really stop ridiculing a subject you clearly know nothing whatsoever about. It detracts from the otherwise rational and well written content of your posts.

    Cheers. After reading your eclipse post it is pretty clear I am gonna have to go see one.

    • Hi Ian,

      Good to hear from you. I would love be proven wrong about UFOs. If the “extraordinary evidence” Sagan talked about could be marshaled in the public domain I would gladly prostrate myself, ala Wayne’s World, and chant, “I am unworthy” to all, I told-you-so-ing, ufologists.

      Here’s what would convince me:

      1. Aliens actually land like in the Day The Earth Stood Still or the more recent Arrival and make unambiguous efforts to communicate with us. Like these two films the aliens must make their presence known to all. Anal probing rednecks in pickups, abducting schizophrenics and wreaking wheat fields just won’t do.

      2. Public, widely disseminated recovery of alien vessels. To qualify the wreak needs to be repeatedly examined by skeptical labs from all over the world. Governments are lying weasels that cannot be trusted with printing money let alone authenticating aliens. Observers must rule out alternate hypotheses.

      3. I would even be convinced by a compelling (again fully public) ancient alien discovery. How about a Stella that introduces a new branch of mathematics and contains a credible explanation of dark matter. We already know, and have known for millennia, how to pile up big rocks.

      All of these would meet the extraordinary evidence criterion and I think you will agree nothing claimed for UFOs comes close to this standard.

      • John

        No I do not agree with you. Once again, have you read my post?

        I will quote one bit of evidence that is extraordinary.

        Explain why the trees in the clear-cut area in the forested mountains in Arizona where Travis Walton was abducted in 1975 (and where investigators at the time recorded anomalous radiation and magnetic field readings) have regrown at approximately twice the normal rates of growth recorded in the surrounding area?

        I wouldn’t call Travis a redneck schizo if I were you – he doesn’t drink or smoke (never has) and at the time of his encounter was a hugely accomplished marshal artist, rodeo rider and general daredevil. Forty years later he’s a quiet family man who wishes the whole thing had never happened.

        Again, you are talking through your hat about a subject you clearly know nothing about.

        There is a helluva lot of extraordinary evidence out there if you bother to take the time to look. Explain what I saw in the summer of 2015. Explain the 2011 Jerusalem UFO, explain the Puerto Rico FLIR video, explain the Washington invasion in 1952.

        Why would you expect them to land and contact us? We are very likely under an embargo by civilized races. It is a documented historical FACT that the US Airforce ordered pilots to pursue and shoot them down in the 1950s. It is a documented historical FACT that they have interfered with nuclear weapons (CF Malmstrom). It is a documented historical FACT that the US Government instituted a programme of disinformation in the early 50s that culminated in the Condon Report in 1969. Prof Condon’s summary simply ignored the fact that about 30% of the thousands of ‘good’ cases examined in detail could not be explained.

        Taking 10 Minuteman missiles off-line is pretty damn extraordinary, or so it seems to me. And the Boeing Technicians and air force investigators who tried to find a prosaic cause and couldn’t all thought so when they testified in front of the media at the National Press Club in Washington.

        Do some actual research before you make pronouncements like “unsubstantiated nonsense”.

        Once again, have you read my post?

        I couldn’t give a rat’s ass what you choose not to see, but to characterize those who have studied the subject or have had encounters as unhinged, as you do repeatedly is simply ignorant and rude, neither of which reflects well on an otherwise very rational guy.


        BTW – You keep quoting Sagan – he at least showed more interest in investigating the subject than you do

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