The Techadent Internet Light Bulb Age

Writing a blog that only spambots peruse affords unlimited editorial freedom. Without readers to offend I am at liberty to blither on about whatever holds my attention. And today, while sitting with pen in hand and listening to soft rain fall, my attention is held, not by the war in Ukraine, or the January 6th “insurrection” hearings, or the interminable US gun control debate, or grotesque groomer travesties, or rampaging inflation1, or social, give me a frigging break, justice! No, what’s commandeering my cortex is the Internet Light Bulb.

When I first saw Internet Light Bulbs a few pandemics ago I dismissed them as another inane unnecessary frivolity: an LED Twatter2 if you will. Do we really need to control the color and intensity of our light bulbs with a phone app? If you think the answer to this question is “Yes,” please adjust your meds. Adding to their absurdity, early Internet Light Bulbs were also ridiculously expensive. Two WiFi bulbs could set you back one hundred bucks. WTF? Well, technology marches on, (at least for the important things), and now you can pick up a pair of WiFi bulbs for about ten bucks: not much more than ordinary LEDs.

In inflationary times it doesn’t make sense to hold shrinking cash. So I’m blaming Joe (Brandon) Biden and brown vagina Kamala Harris for my inability to resist WiFi light bulbs.3 I traded a few ever-shrinking dollars for sparkly new Internet Light Bulbs and they are easily the most useless things I own.

Not only are they magnificently useless they’re also bringing old light bulb jokes to life. Have you ever read a manual on light bulb installation? Until yesterday I hadn’t. While I was hooking the bulbs into our home network, I couldn’t believe I was providing tech support for light bulbs! When my bulbs were configured, and all the necessary software was installed, I was finally able to turn them on, and wait for it, adjust their hue and intensity. If you’ve suspected that we are living in a “techadent age,”4 well, the Internet Light Bulb is its standard candle.

  1. Hey Joe, you demented moron, Milton Friedman is still very much in charge when it comes to inflation!↩︎

  2. I don’t refer to social network abominations by name.↩︎

  3. Blaming others for your bad choices isn’t only for BIPOCs, POWs (People of White), can also play that game.↩︎

  4. Techadent: the application of advanced technology to decadent and frivolous things.↩︎

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