Top Ten Invalid Annoyances

I have been in the rehab/old-folks home for eight days: long enough to adjust to the routine. It’s amazing how quickly we get on with a new normal. This doesn’t mean I am comfortable or thrilled with my circumstances. I have a list of invalid annoyances.

Let’s do this from least to most annoying.

  1. Call bells that ring for hours on end.
  2. Marginal cable package: cripples don’t need HBO.
  3. Late night nurse chats; I had forgotten about noisy hospitals.
  4. Butt-plugging food. They have been trying to give me stool softeners since my arrival. If my wife wasn’t bringing food I would need them.
  5. Locked courtyards. It’s winter and the courtyards are locked to protect the elderly. This should be a weather dependent rather than seasonal policy.
  6. Inability to put on my socks.
  7. Unable to get in or out of my wheelchair without assistance.
  8. Cannot shower or bathe until my cuts heal
  9. Peeing into a plastic bottle.
  10. And the number one annoyance: cannot wipe my ass. I suspect my nurses concur.

iPhoning It In

Last week I fell in Faust park and tore the quadriceps muscles above both knees. Right now I am in a skilled nursing home waiting for a change in my “weight-bearing” status. For the time being I cannot stand or even bend my knees. An outing consists of being helped into a wheelchair and rolling around the halls.

The nursing home lacks Internet access so my wife, to cheer me up, got me an iPhone with a good data plan. The iPhone is an awesome little gadget but it’s not easy to type on it. I am pecking this blog entry in bed one little character at a time. I know I won’t have the energy to revise my iPhone blog entries so you get what I peck.

A Walk in the Park

At noon on February 23, 2011 I decided to get out of the office and take a little walk in nearby Faust Park.  What could go wrong? Lots apparently. Faust park is in western St. Louis. It’s distinguished by an absolutely charming butterfly conservatory. The conservatory is a greenhouse that’s maintained at 85F year round. Inside the greenhouse thousands of large iridescent butterflies are flying about, alighting on bowls of fruit, visiting feeders and gently touching blooming flowers. I had never seen so many butterflies in one place. Unlike most bugs butterflies are not annoying. As they flitted about they raised the spirits of everyone in the greenhouse. It was delightful; I could have spent my entire lunch break with the butterflies but I wanted to see the rest of the park.

Leaving the conservatory I walked east to check out some historical buildings on the far eastern side of the park. On the way I looked in the carousel building. It was closed so I proceeded to a small white wooden one room school-house. I stayed on the gravel path as I approached the school. When I arrived I could see the building was locked and it looked like all the adjacent buildings were also locked.

My lunch break was coming to an end so I decided to walk across the park lawn back to the parking lot. I stepped on the grass. It gently sloped away from the path. Nothing seemed dangerous and the footing appeared firm.

It wasn’t. The grass gave way and I fell. I fell straight down on my heels and then pitched forward. As I went down I heard two soft pops in both knees. I ended up facedown with my hands in muddy grass and both of my legs literally bent out of shape. The pain in my thighs was excruciating. I moaned and cursed and then tried to get up. I couldn’t get up! I couldn’t even straighten my legs. I was beginning to feel I was screwed!

Faust Park fall location: 38.666526, -90.540996

Faust Park fall location: 38.666526, -90.540996

I yelled for help but the school building blocked the view of the parking lot and a children’s play area about 100 meters away. I started crawling on what was left of my knees toward the parking lot yelling help, help, help. The ground was cold and muddy and I wasn’t making great headway. Fortunately a fellow named Dennis spotted me from the parking lot. He scooted over and phoned 911. He stayed with me until the 911 ambulance arrived. I didn’t catch Dennis’s last name so if by some remote chance  you read this Dennis thanks again. You may have saved my life.

The 911 crew had trouble straightening my legs and dragging me on a wheeled stretcher over the lawn back towards the ambulance. They managed to get me in the ambulance and then drove me to St. Luke’s hospital.

I was triaged, x-rayed and MRI’ed. Around 4:00pm the emergency room doctor told me I had completely severed both quadriceps above my knees. He also said it was extremely rare to injure both legs. Hey I’ve always been an outlier. They admitted me and scheduled surgery early next morning. I’ve had the surgery and I am now sitting in a wheelchair with both legs up.  I’m writing this on my wife’s Mac.  I am looking at six or more weeks of painful rehab.  I will bore you all with more cripple blogs because it takes my mind off the pain.