Top Ten Invalid Annoyances

I have been in the rehab/old-folks home for eight days: long enough to adjust to the routine. It’s amazing how quickly we get on with a new normal. This doesn’t mean I am comfortable or thrilled with my circumstances. I have a list of invalid annoyances.

Let’s do this from least to most annoying.

  1. Call bells that ring for hours on end.
  2. Marginal cable package: cripples don’t need HBO.
  3. Late night nurse chats; I had forgotten about noisy hospitals.
  4. Butt-plugging food. They have been trying to give me stool softeners since my arrival. If my wife wasn’t bringing food I would need them.
  5. Locked courtyards. It’s winter and the courtyards are locked to protect the elderly. This should be a weather dependent rather than seasonal policy.
  6. Inability to put on my socks.
  7. Unable to get in or out of my wheelchair without assistance.
  8. Cannot shower or bathe until my cuts heal
  9. Peeing into a plastic bottle.
  10. And the number one annoyance: cannot wipe my ass. I suspect my nurses concur.

iPhoning It In

Last week I fell in Faust park and tore the quadriceps muscles above both knees. Right now I am in a skilled nursing home waiting for a change in my “weight-bearing” status. For the time being I cannot stand or even bend my knees. An outing consists of being helped into a wheelchair and rolling around the halls.

The nursing home lacks Internet access so my wife, to cheer me up, got me an iPhone with a good data plan. The iPhone is an awesome little gadget but it’s not easy to type on it. I am pecking this blog entry in bed one little character at a time. I know I won’t have the energy to revise my iPhone blog entries so you get what I peck.