Cowboys and Aliens and Obama

Cowboys and Aliens

I give this better odds than “quantitative easing!”

Cowboys and Aliens had me at the title! Throwing Indiana Jones, James Bond and House’s 13,  (Olivia Wilde – the thinking man’s smoking hot babe), into the mix merely turned a ridiculous premise into a cosmically absurd proposition. How could I resist?

There’s no point issuing spoiler alerts, like a fine Obama speech, this schizophrenic masterpiece cannot be spoiled.

Yes I hear your little people objections, but bear with me. If we throw fun under the bus then CB is the cinematic equivalent of a typical Obama speech.

Oliva Wilde

I gave up a season of House for this turkey!

Let’s review the evidence:

  1. CB mashes together tired old western and science-fiction clichés without the slightest regard for antiquated notions like coherence and plausibility.
  2. Obama (OB) mashes together tired old political clichés without the slightest regard for antiquated notions like effectiveness and reality.
  3. CB conjures up big nasty bug-like aliens that literally blind the people with science so they can harvest their precious bodily fluids.
  4. OB conjures up big nasty Tea Party Republicans that blind the people with arithmetic so they can balance the budget.
  5. CB rails against the gold standard. See the movie
  6. OB rails against the gold standard. See the Federal Reserve.
  7. CB is confused.
  8. OB ditto.
Harrison Ford

Jesus what a freak show. Hey it could be worse. I could be Obama’s press secretary.

Analogies are never perfect and eventually the CB = OB symmetry breaks down.  In CB it all works out!  After dispatching the aliens the good guys are better off. When we finally dispatch Obama I doubt any of us will be better off.

Debt Dolts Diddle and Drone!

Government Fiscal Policy

Well well it turns out that when John Boehner isn’t crying like a little girl he can deliver a speech. Tonight he smoked Obama like a fine cigar. I tried to flip around Obama’s debt limit rant but ended up watching like a gawker at a hospital fire.

Any dolt with a fifth graders grasp of arithmetic can see the US is completely and irrevocably broke! We’re in such a deep dark debt hole that we haven’t seen sunlight for eons. Financial rickets is setting in; the soft bones of the republic will soon need Viagra.

But don’t worry our elected pets have a plan! They’re going to borrow and print more money so we can wire up our deep dark dept hole with overpriced union-made lamps connected to a green, made in China, energy source. If the government’s math is right the lights should stay on long enough so we can all find our assholes and shove our heads up them!

I did not have sex with that Oil Spill!

bp-oil-shoresI would like to thank BP for accidently creating a teachable moment for our political class.  Prior to the gulf cluster-fuck the most ethical congress in history did not know that fluid dynamics is one of the hardest of the hard sciences.  But, after two months of heroic attempts to contain the spill with blame games, bribes, threats, legislative initiatives and golf it’s finally dawning on the powerful minds that rule us that fluids cannot be bought-off, community-organized, press-marginalized or change-the-channel ignored.  Reality is such an unfair bitch.

Last night, sensing a disturbance in the zeitgeist, Obama subjected our nation to a rousing I did not have sex with that oil spill speech.  The One’s words soared but we, the little unworthy peons, were as unmoved as oil soaked pelicans.  Even our Obamabot leg tinglers failed to detect executive command.

I wish I could say I am disappointed but I wrote this government off a longtime ago.  The stark fiscal, technical and rhetorical incompetence they display every day is no more surprising than sunshine.  The oil spill is an infuriating accidental disaster but it’s not the biggest spill confronting us.  That would be our insane, reckless and entirely man caused deficit spending.

Let’s do some arithmetic.  Let’s assume the unhinged moonbats turned reservoir engineers have pulled the correct gulf spill rate of 100,000 barrels/day out of their asses.  Let’s also assume an oil price of $80 dollars/barrel. When you multiply everything together you find that

8000000 =  1e5 * 80

eight millions dollars of oil is spilling into the gulf every day.  Sounds bad.  Let’s compare that to our government’s fiscal spill.  The deficit for this fiscal year is expected to approach 1.3 trillion dollars.   This works out to

3.56164384e9 = 1.3e12 % 365

roughly 3.6 billion dollars/day or 445 times the gulf spill rate!  If I could plug only one damn hole I know which one I’d choose!

Nobel Peace Prize Idol

My doubts about the Nobel Peace Prize started when Henry Kissinger and Le Duc Tho won during the Vietnam war.  In my naive youth I thought a peace prize might have something to do with peace!  I was so cute and unsophisticated in those days.  As I aged I developed a robust sense of irony but when Yasser Arafat won the peace prize I was again dumbfounded.  How could an outright unrepentant  murderer qualify for a peace prize?  Clearly my sense of the absurd needed work.  I labored long and hard and when Jimmy Carter won for not being George Bush I took it in stride.   Then Al Gore won for saving the Earth from global warming.  Again my cynical detachment required tuning.  What did global warming have to do with peace?  Did I miss all the brutal carbon dioxide wars?  Finally I understood.  The Nobel Peace Prize has nothing to do with Peace! Of course I still foolishly harbored some illusions that you had to do stuff. This morning, upon learning that Barak Obama had won, I divested my final illusions about the peace prize.   The Nobel Peace Prize is now worth less than a Canadian Idol win.  At least some Canadian Idols can sing and dance.