Bankrupt Nation Wins the Olympics

Thanks to the all squiggling FSM it’s finally over! We, (citizens of the USA for the rest of you losers), have triumphed! We crushed those upstart crony Chinese communists, smothered our long-standing Russian adversaries and overwhelmed our cocky British hosts. All that remains is to hear the sweet loser chanting about how it’s not about medals, or countries, or even wining and losing: what utter horseshit! The entire obscenely overpriced Olympic spectacle is just one giant primate chest thump. Today we get to pound our chests, bang the lower ranked females and crap all over the forest floor. God I detest the Olympics.

Let’s look at the our triumph from another point of view. The USA is currently running a yearly deficit of 1.27 trillion dollars. Our acknowledged debt is 15.92 trillion dollars. Our unfunded liabilities exceed 120.13 trillion dollars. If you want to depress yourself just load up the Debt Clock and watch the numbers tick inexorably up and up. In short we are completely and thoroughly broke.  Dividing the USA medal count into these numbers yields:

1. Price per medal vs. yearly deficit: 12.18 billion dollars.
2. Price per medal vs. acknowledged debt: 153.08 billion dollars
3. Price per medal vs. unfunded liabilities: 1.15 trillion dollars.

Yeah, we’re big winners when it comes to piling up debt! I’d happily trade all our medals to balance the budget. Hell, I’d give up all American medals from all Olympic games to balance the budget. Now I’m sure many American athletes will object to this deficit reduction plan. Perhaps with all the stress of training, surreptitious doping and getting strangers to pee in bottles they missed the transcendent One’s memo; “You didn’t win that medal, someone else won that!”